Direct Me Through When The Vision Blurs
Posted on Mon Sep 16th, 2024 @ 10:51pm by Commander Arianna Frost & Captain Akiva ben-Avram
2,463 words; about a 12 minute read
Mission:
S1E6: Where Skies End
Location: various
Timeline: MD 9
Days have gone through as if in a daze. Ever since that day in the lab. Ever since they found out the truth. Arianna had sent Jaya a message once she'd gathered herself, just one word. Truth. A simple meaning that even in hebrew in which it was written, her friend would know the meaning of.
Then came the 'wellfare check', the confirmation they had all dreaded. Laena and Nandi were gone, MIA, potentially KIA, or worse. Sooner rather than later they would have to report them missing too. But does she report it to him? If she didn't it'd be sus, it would be out of the norm. Regs stated that MIA officers needed to be reported, and if she'd reported Khaiel, she'd have needed to report Nandi and Laena too.
Alex already had that report, via carefully placed, several methods coded digital dead drops.
The one silver lining they seemed to have found, since that day was an ally. One of Cal's contacts, a former Starfleet Security Officer, now part of Federation Security. One Zharra Neerassi. An Orion no less. How the situation was turning.
Ari made a judgement call with that one. If Laena and Nandi were MIA, chances were Jaya and Storr were in trouble too, so she asked for one last favor of the Orion. She'd asked Zharra, through Cal, again, to extract Jaya and Storr and their little family and bring them back to Overwatch. Keeping things vague enough so as not to be picked up in the comms monitoring, yet clear enough for the Orion to acquiesce had definitely been a challenge. But, they were now on their way back, not without a challenge. Frost would have to ask about that when they got back.
Frost sat at the desk in her small, makeshift office, staring at a performance report, the fingers of her right hand idly rubbing a pendant on a necklace that she wore under her uniform.
Saint Christopher, patron of Saint of travellers. It was a small pendant with no religious or name markings. It had originally been a gift from her mother, when she first signed up to join Starfleet. She'd worn it every day during the war, and nearly every day since. Arianna wasn't really religious, or superstitious, yet she found a comfort in the concept and this small thing.
Especially now.
"Protect me today in all my travels along the road's way. Give your warning sign if danger is near so that I may stop while the path is clear. Be at my window and direct me through when the vision blurs from out of the blue. Carry me safely to my destined place, like you carried Christ in your close embrace." She half murmured, half thought out the olden prayer, out of some unknown urge.
=/\="Ben-Avram to Frost. Please come to my office."=/\= The comm cut out almost as soon as it had opened.
And then there was that. The cold distance, the silence between them. They hadn't exchanged more than a few professional words since that day. She'd expected him to be withdrawn and distant once she'd told him, so that did not come as a surprise.
Truth be told, she needed the distance as much as he did. She had spent most of her private time going over all of the missions and interactions she'd had with Taskmaster...with Omri, trying to figure out when he'd turned against them, trying to figure out how guilty she and the others were due to participation the missions, and the acts that they did in the name of the Project.
Akiva sat at his desk with his face in his hands. There was a PADD on the ground, its display cracked from where it had collided with the wall. Trembling sobs pushed their way through Akiva's fingers despite their every effort to hold them back.
Arianna was at his office door within moments, due to the short distance between their offices, although by and large, hers was the tiny one. She had a PADD ready in hand to take notes and pressed the buzzer, readying herself for another short, professional interaction. As much as she missed the way they were privately, she welcomed the distance too.
The door opened without Akiva getting up or even acknowledging her presence. He just continued to sit at his desk, unmoving and making no attempt to hide his signs of instability. His self-imposed isolation was proving to be his undoing. Despite the suffocation he felt, he couldn't bring himself to end it. Life's events were growing out of his control.
Arianna stepped inside and knew almost instantly she'd stepped into another mess. More so figuratively than literally, though the cracked display of a PADD on the floor and the tiny dent in the wall where it'd hit spoke of a more visceral event happening sometime earlier.
The stony disposition and the lack of acknowledgement only added to the messy atmosphere.
"Professional, keep it professional, Ari." She told herself as she stepped closer to his desk. "You asked for me, Captain?" She said in a neutral tone, her arms clasped together in front, holding the note-taking PADD.
She wasn't expecting much from this interaction initially, but now that she was in here, Frost found herself honestly wanting to know more, the wall between them be damned. "But..." She would respect the distance, though. Both as a friend and, well, a subordinate.
Truth be told the latter was just an excuse she clung to to convince herself she should keep away and let him grieve and process. To let herself do the same. Ranks were never something she cared about when it came to people she considered friends and family.
For the first time, Akiva looked up from the spot his eyes had been drilling into his desk. They were red and bloodshot with puffiness making them look almost swollen. "I'm hereby informing you that I am taking a personal leave of absence." He paused for a moment before adding, "Bereavement. I don't know precisely when I'll be back."
The formality of the words cut, though she knew that this was his way of coping, rather than anything else and that it had very little to actually do with her. So she let the words bounce off of her shields, not allowing the distance in them to cut at her heart. Instead, she took a deep breath and nodded.
"I understand, sir." She said with a nod, "I need to emphasize that Section 3361 applies, considering the circumstances." Ari added.
Section 3361 was yet another of many of the gag orders, which prohibited conversation about classified material. In the case here, the not-so-dead, Omri ben-Avram.
Then she registered the word, bereavement.
This wasn't about Omri, was it?
"Also, my condolences, sir. What...happened?" She asked finally, still trying to keep a professional aura.
"My eema...mother." Akiva barely choked the words out. "She's dead. I'll be leaving for Hebron Colony in the morning." He covered his face with his hands once again.
It took her a moment to decide whether to cross that boundary that he had set or not.
"Oh, fuck your distance, Akiva." Arianna sighed to herself and braced for rejection.
She set the PADD on the table and rounded it, and then half crouched half knelt next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulder, the other around his head and arms, and gently leaned chin against his back. "I am so sorry. I know how happy your last conversation made you...I am sorry."
Of course, she wanted to know how Yael perished, and if there was anything to be done to find out any truths that needed finding out. None of those questions got asked though. He would tell her if and when he was ready. If at all. She would have to deal with it. She'd hurt him enough with the revelation about Omri.
At this point, she wasn't even sure if he would accept the embrace or if she would be ushered back to the other side of the desk to be the dutiful XO.
Akiva flinched at her touch but didn't recoil from it. After a moment, when her words had the opportunity to sink in, he broke down weeping as he had clearly been doing for some time. This time, though, it felt as though he were taking in rather than letting out. He pivoted in his seat far enough for his hands to slide around Ari and hold her close. "It's not fair! Nothing...nothing is fair!"
"I know...I know." She said quietly as she now knelt fully, and adjusted her arms around his shoulders, her head tucked into the crook of his neck and shoulder. Where it was safe.
In theory.
"It's fucked." She muttered into his shoulder. "I'm sorry you're having to go through all this."
Hot breath against his neck. Warm flesh surrounding his frozen heart. It's fucked. Now there was an idea.
Before he knew it, Akiva was out of his chair, his body rushing against Ari's. He planted her against the floor to ceiling window. There were no words of explanation. None were needed. Akiva's intent was made clear by the fierce press of his lips against hers. Fingers slid through her short hair and splayed it against the backdrop of the fiery plasma storms beyond. His eyes were closed against the emotion that now sprung through his aggressive hands and lips, though his tear-stained face as emotive as could be. Grief and pain had reached the point of breaking. And when that dam broke, every other repressed feeling behind it came flooding forward. Akiva let out a savage whimper as he nipped at Ari's bottom lip.
Thoughts that filled the depth of night on occasion didn't do reality justice, at all. Things happened way too quickly for anything but instinct to react. Fingers steepled through dark locks as she gave into her own wants and desires for a moment, returning every fiery kiss with one of her own. Frost pulled him closer, ever closer, drowning in every kiss, every feel of him. Her legs wrapped around his waist for support, as she was pressed flat against the window.
For a moment, before her rational mind kicked back into action.
Another languid kiss, and another, she managed to come up for air. Though all she wanted was to do was keep going, and more. Arianna leaned her head against his, breathing deeply, trying to get her heart and body under control.
"Akiva..." She placed a hand on his cheek, the other still around his shoulder, her legs still wrapped around him. "Akiva, listen...I want this as much as you do. Believe me." A deep breath against a raging heartbeat, "not like this. Not when this is grief talking and not...other type of emotion. We both deserve better."
Why did she have to keep breaking her own heart, and his? Why did she have to be the adult in every situation? She was so tired of fighting.
Truth and reason finally rained on Akiva's parade. He looked Ari deep in her eyes and just stared for a moment. "You're right," he admitted at length. "This is not the time or place..." The admission made him frown in disappointment. "When I come back, though, we need to talk. I think..." He wasn't sure what to think. "... I will have things figured out better by then."
Very very reluctantly, she untangled herself from him, still trying to get her breathing under control. "Just for the record," she could not help herself, "the place is totally not an issue for me." A smile cracked in her features. Then, she sighed, "but yes, I think we do need to have a chat."
She patted her hair back into place and tugged her jacket back down. "For what it's worth, as much as reality hurts, it's also so much better than imagination." Ari gave him an earnest look. "Is...there anything you want to talk about now? Other than the handover?"
"No..." Akiva shook his head in the negative as much to clear it. "No, I just need to go." He backed away and turned back around to lean against the corner of his desk. Back faced to her, he said, "You may go..."
She took a deep breath both of relief and regret. Arianna craved more, much more. But for the right reasons. Grief and pain were not those reasons, not in a situation where they were not actually a pair. Frost looked at his back for a moment. She needed to make sure they had that chance to decide when he came back.
If he came back. With their line of work...you could never be certain.
Arianna reached under the neckline of her shirt and fished out the small silver chain and pendant. She unclipped the chain and held the necklace in her hand for a moment before stepping over to him. "I know that...it's the wrong religion and frankly I'm not religious myself."
She paused for a moment to see if she had his attention.
At first Akiva just stared, saying nothing. Whatever his thoughts were, they were as unreadable as his face.
The small silver pendant shined in the semi darkness of the room. "This is Saint Christopher, the patron saint of travellers. I've had it with me through the Dominion War, through Operation Snowplough, through Donnager...all the times I wasn't sure I'd come back from. With what we do, we can't make many promises, so call it me being superstitious if you like, but..." Ari reached out and placed the necklace in one of his hands, "...I'll take any extra protection if it means you coming back from this, without any of us backing you up."
With that she stepped back, "I'll keep the home fires burning in the meanwhile."
Taking the pendant, Akiva's lips twitched in what might've been the makings of a smile. His frown persisted, though his eyes twinkled a little. "Thank you..." he said. "Ari." He slid the pendant into a pocket. "You may go..." It wasn't an order, just a release. He didn't know what else to say at this point.
Ari nodded and picked up her PADD. She'd have to forge some minutes from this particular meeting. Minutes that did not include; 'make out session with the Captain'. Something more proffessional. Definitely.
"Sir," she gave a nod before passing by him and exiting his office, trying very hard not to dwell on what had just happened and what could potentially happen in the future.
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