It'll Be What You Need, Not Some Fantasy
Posted on Sat Jan 13th, 2024 @ 4:07pm by Captain Akiva ben-Avram & Commander Arianna Frost
6,419 words; about a 32 minute read
Mission:
S1E6: Where Skies End
Location: Overwatch, ben-Avram's Office
Timeline: ID 8
Arianna rubbed her eyes as she came to a stop in front of Akiva's office. They were finally back home. Home, the word felt weird when applied to the classified Starfleet Blacksite called Memory Theta. Considering what she'd been through in the last year with these people, she did start referring to this place as home. One weird collection of dysfunctional misfits dysfunctionally functioning together by some miracle.
After they'd seen Jaya and Storr off to Earth and taken the final day at Risa, the Command Team had returned home. All the check-ins and report collating had been done in the hours since their return and now it was time to do the final one. The CO and the XO needed to take stock of the mess that had taken place in the days before.
So, PADD in hand, a bottle of liquor she'd had stashed in her quarters Arianna was still rubbing her tired eyes when she rang the doorbell.
When the chime sounded, Akiva didn't move. "Come." He remained where he stood, a sentry on guard against the glacially slow but nonetheless explosive firestorms of the Badlands well beyond the floor-to-ceiling window of his office. There was not much to be said right now, things being what they were. Life had transformed so much that Akiva had stopped reacting to it, instead taking on an insular and pensive perspective that allowed him to form an internal stability that couldn't depend on happenstance. And to say nothing of Admiral Tau's impending visit with his urgent mission that he would only discuss in person. When a beautiful friend walked into his office, he didn't react. He waited. He pondered, processed, and waited.
"Everyone is safe and tucked in their beds," Arianna said as she looked over at her back turned friend. It was difficult not to admire the image before her.
Gone was the aura of jittery anxiousness he'd held for so long, only eschewing it in the brief moments they'd spent together alone. Granted, she never knew if he'd eschewed it for others as well, perhaps it came out with larger groups? Either way it was gratifying to see. For a moment, their reflections stood there, the Captain and the XO having his back.
Before her mind could spiral to other admirable things about Akiva's back, she pulled herself out. Not the territory to venture into, not now, if ever. "Do you want to go over the debrief together or would you prefer to sign off on your own? Just remember, only one option involves alcohol." She showed the bottle and the PADD.
Noting Ari's reflection for the first time, Akiva saw both PADD and alcohol in hand. "I'm supposed to be cutting back," he said, "but if you're offering, I won't refuse." There was an accidental double entendre there which gave him pause, but Akiva brushed past it. "Please, sit," he said, indicating the chair opposite his desk as he seated himself.
"Oh normally I don't." Arianna nodded as she moved around the chair and took a seat, "but our recent shitshow...yeah, I can't re-hash that again sober. I can't remember when I felt so exhausted after shoreleave...come to think, I don't think I've ever felt this drained."
She placed the bottle on the table, and handed the PADD over to him. "Alright first order of business, we've cured everyone of 'Psolium Septicus' and no one is showing any adverse signs to the modified cure."
Akiva gave an affirmative nod. That had already been the case even on the return trip, but it was good to have confirmation. "It's a shame about Reggie though." Shaking his head now, Akiva let out a sigh. Reggie had been taken by Division 14 to The Farm, a convalescent facility on Endicronimas V for Starfleet officers who suffered from unusual injuries or predicaments that rendered them unable to serve or even live in regular society. "And I'm still not sure that we should have covered for Ryland and Sophie either."
"Part of me wants to say, no, we shouldn't have." Ari sighed, "but, from an intelligence standpoint, they owe us a big one. We need to cash in on it when needed, otherwise, yes, the coverage will have been for nothing. I know it sounds potentially cruel, but in our business we make our chances ourselves and if we can have an ace up our sleeve, we need it. Like it or not, having a pilot like him and an engineer like her in our back pocket will always be more useful than not, despite our personal distaste."
Akiva chuckled wryly. Evidently she wasn't aware of or had forgotten the backroom deal Mrazak had made involving Ryland which made the man an indentured servant to Memory Theta. Even so, her point was valid, so he left it alone.
The one thing she didn't bring with her were glasses. "You got anything to pour into?" She pointed towards the bottle. "Having said what I said...even Mrazak," Frost sighed again and rubbed her temple, "even he is more useful in our back pocket than whichever crazy scheme he and T'Sen had planned."
Memories of T'Sen's instant violent reaction to Mrazak's sudden spurning sprung up. Frost visibly cringed.
"I don't think he had schemed much of anything." Akiva looked skeptical. "Seems more like a fever dream that went away once the cure set in. Can you imagine... Mrazak cavorting around with a fellow psychopath doing HaShem knows what in the name of science?" The thought made him shudder. "Never thought I would be grateful for him to be back to his old self." He sniffed. "I still live for the day of his dishonorable discharge."
"Good things come to those who wait..." Ari chuckled, "but, I will say this, scoring T'Bela in the mix was a good get. It will also free up Leah to pursue her specialization research, she's wasted on the GP front. Station side, Mayhew had a doozy as well, DTI audit went bust when one of the auditors revealed themselves as rogue and and tried brute forcing the station. Luckily Mayhew and company handled it well so there wasn't any permanent damage. Ferrofax is performing framework checks just to be on the safe side. Speaking of Ferrofax, I am glad he's back." Ari added as she produced a scrambler device from her pocket and pressed the button.
Things were leading in the direction of conversations they couldn't safely have.
"Me, too," Akiva said. "Past experience suggests that Ferrofax wouldn't have been caught napping like NICK was. The Black Nagus almost made off with one of our people and didn't have much time to coordinate it. Same with a disgruntled diplomat and some criminal thugs looking for payback against our friends. If this had been... whoever your Taskmaster is working for... then we might have lost more than Khaiel." Scratching his chin, Akiva went on. "I'm wondering... where did Khaiel go? He clearly didn't act alone and there is nothing to suggest the Black Nagus or Kontos and company had any hand in it. Mrazak and T'Bela saw him at the V'tosh Katur conference. The villa records show he came back and left. Then he disappeared from here with NICK in tow. Whoever helped him abscond from the system knows their way around Federation transit authority protocols." The look he gave Ari was probing and borderline accusatory towards their little lost lamb. "I know Khaiel had childhood connections to Romulus, but this seems too heavy-handed for Tal Shiar. They don't like leaving tracks behind. This... somehow this felt personal."
"Pour us a drink," Arianna motioned towards the bottle and leaned back. "Let's consider the tenets of 'turning' an agent to begin with. Anger or disgruntlement," she raised her index finger and touched it with the index of the other. "Money," another finger went up, "ego," another finger, "ideology." With the final finger up, Ari tapped on each with the index finger of the other hand.
"I've followed the money. I don't see a trend that would suggest that was his motive," a finger went down. "Ideology? His profile suggests he is not particularly swayed by any ideology, so appealing to his sense of something, doubtful." Another finger went down. "My money is on ego or anger. From what I understand he wasn't overly happy with Mrazak coopting NICK for usage instead of Ferrofax. Those two are usually the most common factors for someone to turn. Like you, I don't think this is Tal Shiar. Khaiel would be more useful to them as an embedded asset than a defector. No, this was a message. I don't think it's from the Nagus either though. They already had an Engineer, Sophie, why go for two? Doesn't track. This is either Taskmaster's lot or a third party we're not aware of." As she finished her train of thought, she sighed.
Akiva removed his two water glasses which he kept stored with his flagon of spring water that he spared for special occasions. It was imported from Hebron Colony, a frivolous waste for most people but it's tangy mineral taste was a happy piece of childhood that was worth the otherwise luxurious abuse of power afforded to him by his rank and station. Listening as he was to Ari, though, the water glasses bumped the edge of his desk and fell to the floor, shattering into pieces.
"B'azazel..." Akiva cursed under his breath. "Well... I can replicate some new glasses or we can just pass the bottle back and forth. I'll leave it up to you."
Arianna didn't wait, she reached over, uncapped the bottle and took a swig. The somewhat sweet, burning sensation was a welcome detractor from the thoughts threatening to open up. She handed him the bottle then. "I have an idea how to see if Taskmaster knows anything about Khaiel and nick some DNA in the process to start identifying the fucker."
"Oh?" Akiva passed on the alchohol for the moment. He wanted to know what she had in mind. "Let's hear it."
"I need to make a report to Taskmaster soon. It will, obviously, be doctored and it will also contain a report on our MIA, outlying my suspicions that he may have been snatched by the Nagus. As Castermer, he is obligated to explore all reported suspicions of Black Nagus activity, as am I." Arianna continued, "but it's too dangerous to transmit over comms. So I need him to come here. I get him to our turf, I have Cal with me to shield me psionically and to probe him. I make physical contact and get DNA transferral and give him the doctored report. His reaction may give me a clue as to whether he knows or not. He goes away and I have a sample. Then we need a sample to compare it to, which will be the hard part."
In truth, Arianna already had access to a sample for comparison, potentially two, but she wasn't going to mention that. Not yet. Not until she had Taskmaster's DNA.
"You want to set a trap for him here?" Akiva asked with alarm. "Do you think he'd walk into it just like that?"
"If I play it right, yes." Arianna nodded, taking another sip of the alcohol. "I need to see where my noose is and where his eyes are. He won't let me come to him, so I need to make him come to me."
Akiva looked skeptical. "He's not stupid. Why would he come personally? Why not send an agent?" He took the bottle, sniffed the neck, and took a swig. It took all he had not to gag on the burn.
How did she answer and not give away her suspicion of his identity? "Because I think he has a personal stake in this place. The butlers, remember? That and well..ego. I keep chipping away at it and he has a need to remind me of its superiority to my own." She said with a shrug. "Reminds me of Mrazak...almost."
That made him shake his head and handed back the bottle. "How Starfleet doesn't weed out evil men is something I'll never understand." He pondered a moment. "Admiral Tau recalled us pretty quickly, you know. Diplomatic unrest in the Gamma Quadrant. It's hard to imagine him setting that up, but it's still odd timing."
Ari took back the bottle and took a longer swig, "yes, but..." she raised a finger then took another swig, "there's a person of interest there who might be able to help us crack the encoding to the database I got from Vokau. I still haven't been able to crack it. I can get Leah and Teejay to work that angle, see if they can make a deal with Onaga. She's the last BN agent out there that might have the cypher we can use."
She then looked over at Akiva, "what's worst is, we were meant to weed out exactly that, evil men...little did we know we had one among us." Her expression dropped for a moment, one that spoke of personal failure. "We have to fix it...we have to."
"Speaking of Tau..." Akiva rubbed his chin. "I was surprised when she volunteered to vet him. She's..." He chuckled mirthlessly with pain in his eyes. "She's always been full of surprises. Once she sets her mind to something, she'll do it. It's Tau I'm worried about. What if she finds evidence that he is the man behind it all? That would make her a target."
Arianna sighed, "I..." she started to say, then paused for a moment, trying to gather her words. "It was a brave call, yes, but I fear its for all the wrong reasons. I'll do my best to back her up but..." Fuck, might as well. "Have you two talked?" Was it the alcohol? Or was it just her own curiosity? Both probably.
Akiva took the bottle back and chugged before answering. "Yes. Though we aren't exactly speaking now. Not out of offense. There's just nothing else to say." He scoffed. "She really thought little of you until I explained misunderstanding. Now she is just disappointed in me." Rolling his shoulders, he said, "Can't say I blame her. I've made mistakes."
Arianna chuckled, "if you say that, then I assume you haven't talked about all of it." She said with a semi-resigned sigh and reached for the bottle. "Whatever she's told you, she still thinks very little of me."
"Now's not the time for secrets, Ari..." Withholding the bottle long enough to give her a fixed stare, Akiva said, "If you know something, tell me."
Arianna went on to describe the event in detail. Her tone however was one of disappointment and one of resignation in the face of being the badguy in the doomed relationship of Akiva and Laena.
"I didn't tell you then, because if she was indeed pregnant, you deserved to hear it from her, not me. I'm not heartless, but I'm not going to be dragged through the muck either." She added, "that being said, I do...understand where she is coming from, but I don't approve of her methods at all." Words punctuated with a long chug. "If she keeps it up, I have enough to put her up on charges."
It was one deep sigh after another. When Ari finally finished recounting the experience, Akiva took a quick swig himself before replying. "Well, I appreciate that you didn't. Losing a child is... it's not like anything that can be put into words." He stared against the blank and soulless bulkhead adjacent to his window for a moment. "She's a fighter, Ari. I think that's why she is still here. What we had... it was lost in a number of ways. She was fighting to get it back, but, really, I think she's fighting to regain herself. I'm not sure what's going to happen. I can't say I'm not a little flattered that she..." He chuckled abashedly and then blushed. "Not that what she did was acceptable. Not at all. It just takes some of the sting out of other things she's said. Not completely. And I'm more confused than ever. But... I suppose I'm grateful for small mercies. Knowing she really struggled as much as I did is one of those. As bad as that sounds." He chuckled again, this time with a touch of genuine humor in the sound of it. "Never had a woman strike another woman over me before." And then he took another sip.
Arianna extended her hand, "She's lucky I didn't strike back. I know it's an awkward question coming from me of all people, but what's your confusion? I'm your friend, when you strip away all the other layers. Now give it here, because I need some liquid courage to hear the answer. " She said with a smirk.
Sliding the bottle back over, Akiva said, "I don't know. There are several things I don't know. Where did it go wrong? Why do I still care so much? Why do I sometimes wish it would all go away?" The last question startled even him. "Laena... was my first. In every way. This is all new to me, Ari. Never have I..." He blew out his breath slowly between his lips. "... experienced any of this."
Arianna nodded. This raw, human truth, she could understand and sympathize with. She took a long chug before replying. "All of these questions are perfectly normal and alright to ask yourself." A short sip, before she continued. "First relationships are how we learn what we want, what we don't, what we like, what we don't..." she made a circular motion with her hand as she spoke. "You know where I'm going with that. Where it all went wrong?"
She observed him for a quiet moment before her own internal barrier fell. The scramblers were up, she was not bound by the code of silence of her trade. Besides, this was Akiva. She trusted him with her life, certainly. With her heart?
The question went unanswered as she climbed back up to the surface, to their friendship. "You may never know. Or you may yet some amount of time down the line. It could end up being anything from it was the wrong time, or you just weren't the match you thought you were, or it just wasn't meant to be." Ari said, still keeping eye contact, letting him see her sympathy for his situation.
"And it's totally okay to still care. You don't just turn this stuff off. Feelings, I mean. Sometimes they stay, sometimes they coalesce into what they were really meant to be. Point is, there is no reason not to, just don't self destruct with it. My last, proper ex, Tom Casey, we went to the Academy together...we were worlds apart in everything. Personality, preferences, career and life goals, the lot. I wanted to unravel mysteries and bring bad people to justice. He wanted to drink beer with the lads down at the pub after a long shift with an occasional roll in the hay with me. We fought, a lot! I hate fighting, but he loved to yell and be right. We broke up shortly after we got our assignments."
"We didn't talk for years afterwards...I changed in that time, he changed too. I realized after I saw him again a few years ago, that I never really knew him...I still cared for him, but I came to realize that I wished him well, and wanted him to be happy and if he ever needed my help I would be there," Ari took another sip and sighed.
"And that I was glad things ended the way they did. Much as it hurt back then, I am ultimately glad for it because even now, in my current life, I don't see it working...and as stressful as our current predicament is, I'm happy where I am and happy with who I am. He seems to be too, married a fellow Irish woman, as loud and proud as he is and I am genuinely happy for him." Ari took another long chug and handed the bottle over, "sorry, went off on a tangent. What I'm trying to say is, it's okay to feel all that. It's how you learn. No experience is for nothing."
As she spoke, Akiva pondered the fact that Ari was describing his relationship with Laena with a perspective that it was done and over. Past tense. That thought surprised him but did not raise the alarm it once would have. Perhaps she had a point. What was between Akiva and Laena had died, perhaps with their baby if not from the series hurtful choices they had made against one another. Whatever was to be had would be forward-looking into the future. Maybe that's part of what Laena had been trying to tell him. When he looked forward, though, Akiva could not readily say what it was he saw.
"I suppose," he said at length, wanting to acknowledge the fact his friend, someone he had named as family, had in fact been speaking while he was thinking. "I do think I've made the mistake of trying to force things to happen. Not just with Laena, but with Tau and Mrazak and even with you." The words were out of his mouth so fast that Akiva couldn't be sure what he meant by them. He blinked rapidly. "Um... uh..." Filler words fell out of his mouth as he fought for more meaningful ones, but his brain was too sluggish to decipher the commands. "I think I'm drunk, Ari, which means I'll fail if I try to be clever, so I'll try and be honest instead and just say that I have no idea what the hell I meant by that because it just sort of slipped out." His words were beginning to slur ever so slightly by the end of his run-on sentence, losing their typically clipped brogue.
Arianna chuckled and raised a hand, "it's okay, Akiva." Her tone was soft, as was her expression and her eyes. "Sometimes we do things we don't mean to, sometimes we think it's a mistake, but only time can tell if it was really a mistake or not. When you get such a feeling, trust it though. It's your gut telling you what to do. Rational mind will deny it, the heart will turn a blind eye, but your gut, it'll keep you alive, it will keep you safe. Besides, it's not like I resisted...so that's on both of us. While it was a mistake on paper, but I've never regretted it. My gut does not regret it either. As for the rest, time will tell. Things may yet prove fruitful. We just have to let things play out."
"Now you sound drunk!" Akiva let out a chuckle that lasted twice as long as it should have. Then a sobering thought came to him. "Never... never have I got drunk with a friend."
Arianna chuckled in return, "And may you never drink alone again." She said with a nod, then a smirk spread across her features as she shifted in her seat, leaning back, one leg crossed over the other, hands in her lap, fingers steepled together, "Never have I ever, god this is hard, it's hard to think of something I've never done...hmm, oh, okay! Never have I ever sung in front of a crowd."
"No fair," Akiva said as he took a sip. As he set the bottle down, he broke into song which with a rhythmic chant. "Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheimu melech ha-olam, shehecheyanu v'key'manu v'higiyanu lazman hazeh. Aaaaaameeeen!" Then he chuckled like a young boy. "Every Hebron is expected to sing at our bar mitzvah ceremony."
"Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Sovereign of all, who has kept us alive, sustained us, and brought us to this season." Ari translated slowly, pausing at off intervals as she tried to recall the words. "What? I've been practicing, got to know some Hebrew for next time you start spouting words at me! I know how you get!" She pointed an mock accusatory finger at him with a laugh.
Akiva grinned. "Never have I ever been detained in the brig."
Ari laughed, reaching for the bottle, "what really? I'm friends with a cleaney?! Fuck! Twice, once as me, once as a legend for an op." A giggle escaped her as she took a sip of the alcohol again. "Never have I ever celebrated a birthday with someone on the same day. August 1st seems to have missed people in my circles."
"No..." Akiva pushed the bottle aside. "Tisha B'Av is the saddest day of the saddest month of the Hebron calendar. It is the day both temples were destroyed centuries apart. It is the day of many genocides. It is the day of a great blasphemer on our colony. My mother always said that I was her greatest joy on the day when Talmud says our people's joy is diminished, but nobody else holds celebrations on that day for it is a day of lamentation." And then he blinked. "Wait. The Ninth of Av was August 1st on this year." He blinked at her in surprise. "We shared a birthday and never knew it."
Arianna stared at him for a moment, processing what was just said. What were the odds? Even her alcohol infused mind, started revving back up. "Well damn...that's not what I expected." She chuckled. "One of the few things I didn't pay attention to when I read your file." She straightened up a bit in her seat, "damn, well...time to make a new tradition then. One that doesn't remind of sadness and loss."
"I don't know that I've ever been sad with you," Akiva said thoughtfully, then let out a chuckle. "Hey, that counts! Never have I been sad with you."
Ari laughed softly, "Nor I with you." Then she took a moment, "never have I ever gone ballroom dancing. I'm a good dancer though, just never had occasion, not even as a cover."
"Me neither," Akiva said, "because I don't know how to dance or ever had the occasion." He stared at the bottle. His life was beginning to sound rather boring and pathetic by comparison. "Never have I ever... been clinically dead."
Frost cocked her head a bit at the sudden, morbid turn. "Me neither..." she set the bottle aside and leaned forward, elbows on her knees, hands clasped ahead of her, unable not to dwell for a moment on Taskmaster, or Omri...his brother who had been pronounced clinically dead all those years ago. As quick as the thought came, it was violently pushed out. The fucker would not ruin this for them.
"Let's change it up, tell me about your culture, and I'll tell you about mine. Or just ask me what you want to know. With the scrambler up, I *can* speak more freely about things. Anything you like." Ari offered, spreading her hands out a bit.
"Well, in my culture, what we're doing right now is frowned upon, to say the least." Akiva tried to chuckle wryly but it fell flat. "Lêṣ, hayyan. Homeh, sekar, wekal sogeh bow lo yehkam. Wine, a mocker. Strong drink, a brawler, and whoever is led astray by them is not wise." He looked from Ari to the bottle and back to Ari, his eyes full of conflict and wonder.
Arianna nodded, "they have a similar outlook in Russia, however, that being said, you must always be prepared to raise a glass, have an opinion ready on everything, and I mean everything, have a steady drinking hand. After a lengthy toast, the drinkers clink their glasses, you must clink them all." She raised a finger as she remembered a detail and smiled, "and an old superstition if you are an unmarried woman, and the last person you clinked with is an unmarried man, you two will soon marry." Then she laughed, "the aussies just drink as part of hanging out with mates. An old tradition from going down to the pub with the lads..."
"In that case..." Akiva took a swig and wiped his grinning mouth as he handed the bottle to Ari. "L'Chaim!"
"Tvayo zdarovye!" Arianna raised the bottle to him with a nod and a grin and took a swig herself. "Alright, question! What made you join, and/or stay with JAG?"
Akiva shrugged. "It's actually just a formality," he said. "Admiral Nyel instated me as a JAG official as part of administrating this facility. It's built into my clearance level. I do have legal training as the son of a rabbi." At the mention of a rabbi, he be turned downcast. His relationship with his father was beyond repair. "I wouldn't be able to actually prosecute on Hebron. Just review."
Ari stood up, pulled her chair over then sat back down again and reached over, placing her hand over his. "I'll listen if you wish to share..." she said in a quiet tone, letting him know she'd noticed his change in demeanour.
"That's just it..." Akiva looked away and shrugged. "There's not much else to share. I'm a low-level JAG clerk with clearance beyond my training and experience. The truth is I was just a technician who got raised to command for some foolish reason--" As he continued, Akiva's cadence quickened along with his shallow breathing. "--and from there I've been catapulted from one position to another, failing up to the level of peak incompetence until finally whenever I stop and look at my life, I have no idea who I am or how I got here or what I'm even doing most days."
Whilst Arianna knew that he didn't have much of an opinion of himself, she never considered just how low that opinion was and this made her sad for him. He ran one of Starfleet's most classified sites, and it was still here, he was still here and mostly sane. The amount of good that Memory Theta did was immeasurable. The amount of lives they saved. This was due to his leadership. And still despite all the bad stuff that had happened, he didn't loose himself. He was still kind, and thoughtful and brilliant when he needed to be.
How do you make someone see their worth?
Arianna nodded slowly, her hand still on his. "I don't see it that way, but that's beside the point that you're trying to make," she said. "Do you have words to describe why you feel this way? Its okay if you don't, they just may help to understand why."
"No..." Akiva slowly shook his head and stared at his hands while he dry-rubbed them together. "I just have eyes. Facts don't care about feelings."
Ari pulled her hand away just enough as he started doing so. "No, they do not, I agree, but if you can't understand yourself, how will you understand the facts in front of you? Interpretation of fact is still up to the individual. I was in the BAU for three years before I transitioned to Intel, all we did was interpret facts about people from their files. A string of fact won't necessarily show you the full picture, the understanding is what binds it together and acceptance makes it sharp." She paused for a moment before offering, "would it help if I told you how I saw you?"
When he looked up at her, his eyes stung with the makings of tears. Her talk of "facts" only confirmed to him what he had already known of himself. How could she possibly dress that up as to change it in any meaningful way? "If you want," he croaked in a hoarse whisper. He would not weep in front her. He would not.
She placed her hand on his again, her eyes studying his face. It cracked her a little, seeing the burst of emotion ready to flow over under the surface. "This job changes even the most seasoned individual. You need to know this first. On average people don't last past their fourth year because of how much this job has affected them. They take up a vice, they grow bitter, or they grow into their own flaws. And before you go into it's still early days...I am getting to my point, I promise."
She took a deep breath and continued. "You are a kind and thoughtful man in a ruthless, emotionless job. You are a beacon to us, who have already cracked and are looking for a semblance of goodness in this world we live in now, that there is still something good in us left as well, and that there is still good left to fight for. When you decide to trust yourself you are nothing short of brilliant, in thought and in plan. And at the end of the day, you're playful and empathetic and honest. You keep me human and I find it easier to keep my head above water when it threatens to crush me. Like after we talked after the Donnager op. I almost cried right then across the screen when you offered me a safe place with you. You have no idea how much I needed that then."
She could feel her own eyes misting up at the memory.
"Places like these...they need more people like you, not less. You are our shield and our beacon. Look at what you've accomplished so far! How many successful missions so far, how many lives we saved. This is due to you running this place. Sure, there have been issues, but this is normal. We will always have issues, it comes with the job. Look at how many times they wanted to shut us down and you proved to them that we need to stay. Under you. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for. So much more."
Ari paused again, wanting to let him process that, and to let herself process the crystalized feelings. Sure, there was more, but voicing her attraction to him on top of all of that was not what was needed. This was about him...not about her.
As he listened, Akiva bit his lower lip to keep it from quivering. For all the good that did. The tremoring shifted from his mouth to his hands which she was holding. He squeezed her hands as she spoke, willing himself to keep it together. Why wouldn't she stop? She needed to stop. But he prayed she wouldn't. These words were more than facts and claims. Unable to meet her gaze, Akiva's eyes fell around her mouth as she formed each word. They were life. Each one was a direct infusion into his soul, bypassing his intoxicated mind and body to speak truth directly into his inner being.
Weeping was the least of his worries.
For when Arianna had stopped talking, her wonderful deluge of reinvigorating confidence having come to an end, Akiva wanted more. He didn't remember moving. It was almost like being disembodied. All he knew was the distance between his face and hers closed until no light was between them. Eyes closed, all the better to hide the broken wells of his heart that threatened to gush free, Akiva felt his mouth pressed against Ari's in weak, desperate passion as if to siphon more life-giving affirmation one rolling, tangled kiss at a time.
All thought fizzled out of her mind at that moment as his lips met hers. That feeling of home that he'd elicited in her came back and slammed the air out of her, making her realize just how much she wanted and needed it. It had been so long since she'd felt that way with anyone and then there was Akiva. He made her feel seen, human and his brilliance and kindness excited her more than she'd realized until just moments ago.
She leaned into the kiss without realizing her action, her own soul needing this connection as much as his. Ari allowed herself that tiny selfish moment and relished the sensation before reality kicked back in.
She untangled a hand from the clasp of his and gently palmed his cheek, and pulled back just a little so she could look him in the eye. "Not yet..." her voice came out crackled. She swallowed hard, and summoned the steel will and continued. "You need to go and find yourself." Then, a soft smile, "I'll be here when you come back."
Akiva let out a harsh snort. At some point during the beginning of her withdrawal, his eyes had fallen closed and left the waking world far behind. His breathing was already rhythmic with the occasional soft snore when his nose and throat couldn't quite coordinate together. The final stage of intoxication was complete.
Arianna had to use her other hand to cradle his head, feeling the weight of him increase with the slump of his shoulders to prevent his head from hitting the desk. Whilst a part of her was disappointed, the other part couldn't help but laugh softly at the ridiculousness of the situation.
Awkwardly, she got up, still holding his head with one hand and bracing his upper chest with the other, trying to maneuvre his hands so she could lay his head on them. Her being intoxicated too didn't do much for her agility. After a few moments of struggling with limp arms and her own intoxicated self she did manage it eventually and managed to rest his head on his hands and step away.
Much had happened tonight. Revelations neither planned to do, she thought. Certainly not her own revelation and realization. She'd not intended it to happen, she'd just wanted him to know how another person saw him. It was out now, and she found she was fine with it, whether this would get mentioned again or not.
She corked the bottle back, turned off the scrambler and walked out of Akiva's office. Tomorrow as a new day, and she would be at peace with whatever played out.
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