The Thorny Path Of Learning
Posted on Sun Aug 27th, 2023 @ 8:34pm by Lieutenant Commander Leonora Wolf MD & Lieutenant Teejay
5,067 words; about a 25 minute read
Mission:
Mission 0: Everybody Has A Story
Location: Leah and Teejay's hut
Timeline: after 'The Other Side Of Paradise'
Leah felt awful. It felt like a bad cold, rather than a full-blown illness, and those always felt so much worse than being bedridden on meds. She was itching like mad and felt allergic to everything, even though she had no known allergies.
What made her feel even worse was the fact that she'd infected someone else. She'd infected Teejay. Rationally, she knew that there was no was she could have known she was infected. If she had, she never would have taken him to bed, and everywhere else in the room. He deserved better from her.
Deep down she felt guilty though, both because as a medical professional, a virologist to boot, she should have known better and she should have taken more precautions after the second visit to Reggie. She should have considered the possibility of a breach and she should have done better by everyone. Especially Teejay.
He'd been nothing but good to her. So good... the thought ran away from her as she looked over at him from where she sat at the kitchenette table.
Leah mentally kicked herself back to damage control mode.
"Hey...."
From his position laid out naked on the bed, Teejay could survey the full extent of the damage done to his skin. Now, he'd suffered illness before, he'd been sick from time to time sure, but he'd never been infected LIKE THIS. So intimately the destruction had rolled into his life, so unkindly and so swiftly. He felt the rage swell within, held back by barriers he knew how to control, but wasn't sure he wanted to.
Miton. Ari. An unexpected and much hated link. And, rocking in at second place, the fungus given to him by a good time. A REALLY good time. Hell, it had been a long time since he'd experienced such a caring, delivish and inventive time playing naked gymastics with an intelligent and fine spitfire of a human.
So, why universe? WHY?! He faceplanted into a pillow and thumped his fists in silent fury, not wishing to unleash the fiery temper on Leah.
Hey...
Her voice activated two fronts within the half-Vulcan and Teejay forced the anger down and let it simmer into frustration. She could handle that, he figured, consciously attempting to not go nuclear on her dumb ass.
"Hey," Teejay said, rolling onto his side and glaring at Leah without leaving the bed.
Leah paused for a moment before saying what she wanted to say. "I'm sorry I got you into this. I should have paid more attention, I should have insisted on a full clean and a checkup before we left, I should have made sure we were both clean. It was irresponsible of me and unprofessional. Sorry I made you sick." She said, her shoulders slumping as she turned to fully face him. "This one is entirely on me."
"Sorry?!" He heard his irritation say. "Oh, that makes it all just peachy then. If you're sorry." A clenched fist thumped the duvet beneath him and then immediately found itself repurposed for uncomfortable scratching. "Now I'm dying from a thousand itches 'cos you neglecteed to wear proper PPE. Thanks!" Teejay threw sarcasm after bad mood, then ended on a barbed comment. "Maybe you should go back, redo a few Health and Safety courses...."
None of which was fair of course, because he had been in exactly the same position as Leah - not wearing any protective clothing in a hostile environment. But - fuck - EVERYTHING ITCHED. And some places were too sensitive to be itching this much. WAY TOO SENSITVE DAMMIT!!!
Leah sighed, "to be fair, I never said everything was peachy. It actually itches as fuck and burns, and aches and it feels like all life and joy is eeking out. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm sorry for what I did and that you didn't deserve my carelessness. I'm not fuckin' saying this because I expect forgiveness or anything, there is just fuck more I can do than I am doing now," she swung back into her original position and tapped on the PADD, more data was flowing in, more scans.
"I'm not above owning up to my mistakes." She said bitterly. "I hear you, on everything you've said."
His words bloody hurt though. From a medical perspective she knew this was frustration talking and illness made people often unreasonable. Except he didn't sound unreasonable. He was right and it just compounded her already guilty feelings further.
Gently scratching some parts of one's anatomy was very tricky, but Teejay tried. He used the softest pressure he possibly could, winced and tried again, then rolled over, dry humped the bedding and finally back over onto his back to stare angrily at the ceiling. It was Leah's fault. But it also wasn't. And, hell, even if it was? Leah didn't deserve his wrath right now, she was just as wounded and sick as Teejay was. Still, he heard the words come out of his mouth and felt mildly justified.
"I didn't deserve this," Teejay agreed, whole-heartedly. "You're right. But..." Was he going to be nice? Not yet. "Leah, you're a virologist, for fuck's sake! What were you thinking?" Guilt began to creep slightly into the angry head as she apologised. As she owned up to this being her mistake. And as she heard him, and admitted it. That was fair, that was brave and that was worth him not railing on her all day and night.
"You did," he said as he sat upright and flopped awkwardly, trying not to let his limbs touch his torso or each other. "Also get infected." Teejay sighed. "So, I guess you're evening out some. I'm not ready to forgive you yet," he said, voice tense as he worked on yet another uncomfortable piece of sensitive skin. "But you're suffering just as I am, so that kinda makes me feel..." Not better, exactly, was it? "Like the karma is fairly distributed." He exhaled, held his arms up above his head and bounced on the mattress, frustration forcing him to move.
Is this how he was going to be whenever he was hurt, sick or upset? Leah couldn't help but wonder as words came out of his mouth. Granted this was a highly unusual situation likely to never happen again, so to judge him by this precedent would be unfair, however it was something to look out for going forward. If there was going to be a forward after this for them. People have ended liaisons for less.
Not that their few days bedding eachother was a liaison either. Just two people enjoying eachother without definition.
Still, there were boundaries and so far he had shown his.
"Tee...I understand, and I'm right there with you and you're probably feeling it even more because of your physiology. I understand." Leah reached over for some tissues and blew her nose. "Eeeugh...." a grunt escaped her before she continued. "There is only so much shit I am willing to take before it becomes childish and petty, though." She finished wiping her nose before she turned to him again. "Rubbing my already owned fuckup in my face is not going to help either of us. I'm not asking for forgiveness or your grandeur or whatever the fuck you think I am asking of you. I'm not asking anything."
Leah stood up and went over to the small lounge/living room area. There was a small couch. She would sleep there, she decided, once she set the data into an analysis again. The new scans were still pouring in and they would need time to collate and analyze. She felt exhausted, especially after what just happened.
Was he being childish and petty? Teejay stopped, his entire itchfest of a body and soul suddenly on pause. The itching hadn't ended, but his neural system had been temporarily hijacked by the intelligent side of his currently messed-up mind.
"I'm being a dick," he stated rather than asked. And realised, swiftly, the current extent of his relationship status with the person who had both rocked his recent world and ended their fun just as swiftly. He didn't want to lose this Risa-born loving, short-lived as it currently was, and he definitely saw more in Leah than a holiday romance, early as this was. But... yeah... he was being a dick.
"Uh-uh - I'll take the sofa," Teejay insisted, marching across the room with newfound decency despite his fungus-coated nakedness. "You have the bed." He stopped, stretching his arms high above his head and then descending into a brief itch-fest of a weird dance for a second. "You're right," he admitted, graciously. "You owned up, you took the blame. That gets you a bunch of kudos. Let my dumb ass do some of the work while you get some rest, k."
He jumped up and down briefly, as if that would reboot his system and own the itching. "I... I'm dealing with more emotion than just the infection," he said, looking to meet Leah's eyes. "And I'm struggling to work through everything. That isn't meant to be a guilt trip. And.... It's not all on you."
Wolf observed him for a few moments, feeling the rising ice inside her thaw out. Okay, so there was a way around this issue. This was good. For all that had happened, Leonora liked Teejay, a lot and she didn't feel too happy about this evolution between them coming to an end. Not that she would be too hung up on it either. She was used to detachment and endings.
This one stood out as special in the sea of detachable ease. Even Arija had been easy to detach from, though she had been special to Leah too, once upon a time.
"Well, you're going to have an empty run until the analysis is done anyway." She said, gesturing between him and the PADD. "Do you want to talk it through? In a more comfortable seating?" She then motioned towards the bed. "You have it worse than I do, I'm not going to put you out because we had a disagreement. I'd rather help you than sulk on the sofa."
Teejay stopped, halfway between sofa and bed, and recalibrated himself internally. He wanted to sulk, pout and mostly scratch himself everywhere, but he'd wallowed enough for the time being. "Fair point," he agreed with Leah's take on Plan A. "Yeah, I want to talk it out." He sighed heavily at himself and padded slowly back towards the bed. "You're better at this than me," he admitted. "I mean... better at everything." Another sigh and he mustered up a stupid grin for a flash of a millisecond. "You should be kicking my dumb ass not helping me. But..." Teejay held both hands up in defeat. "Yeah, I'll take all the help, right now." A pause and a soulful look accompanied by an awkward scratch of his neck. "Thanks."
Leah gave him a half smile and motioned over to the bed. "I'll set the analysis to run and be with you in a moment. Do you want to give me an idea of what's going on?"
She had an idea, but she wasn't him, nor was she vulcan. She was just a plain old human from Norway on Earth who navigated life just like everyone else.
"I mean, I have my ideas, but it's not about me so...." Leah expanded as she tapped on the PADD.
It was a lot to drop on a woman he'd only known for a short time. But.... in that short time a lot of bad shit had gone down, all around them both. So, having had a little time to fester in his own misery and some more to begin working out the highlights and deeper bruises, Teejay opted for the sane route and conversation. It wasn't fair to keep taking things out on Leah, and he knew only too well that people had limits that didn't need pushing.
"Well, for starters," Teejay's words were still punctuated by far too much random scratching of itches that manifested in all the wrong places. "I suck at being ill. So apologies for that. I'm mardy," he admitted with a shrug, "when I get a cold, so this all over body torment is killing me. Hopefully," he flashed a wry smile. "Not literally I hope. And," he sighed and pushed on. "And I know you're not getting off easy on this front either. There are some distractions in the mix too," he continued, pushing on through with a determination to get all of this emotion out in the open. "My brother. All that stuff around his almost and prolonged demise. Not knowing. Needing to deal with Frost." Another shrug. "I can't... I just can't switch it all off, Leah, and it's messing me up in ways I don't want to admit. I mean, I know Vulcans are 'sposed to hold everything in and be cool as fuck and all, but I think that part of me is kinda broken." Right now, and perhaps always, since he hadn't been through the usual control measures for reasons that had been beyond his ability to choose. "My upbringing wasn't exactly standard issue Vulcan parenting," he said, not really clarifying any fine detail there.
Leah nodded as she set the analysis to do its thing and padded over to the bed again, packet of tissues in hand. She clambered in and sat herself at the foot of the bed, leaning against the wall with her back.
"Fuck it is a lot, just from a listener's point of view." She said as she adjusted so she could look at him. She felt matted and itchy and awful but pushed those feelings aside. They would still be there after this conversation, whenever that is.
Wolf took a deep breath, "I promise, next time you're ill, I'll be your nurse, not your Typhoid Mary." She said, making a cross symbol over her heart. "Let's start with what I know most about and what is more pressing. Miton...tell me more..."
'I'll be your nurse, not your Typhoid Mary'. At that Teejay mustered up a wonky grin. There was more stalwart refusal to break than actual humour behind it, but hey, it was a start, right? "You know as much I do," Teejay said. "Maybe more." A shrug. "I'm not exactly welcome in my family, not clued into the secrets and lies and whatever the hell else is going on. I just... well. I had a brother. Kinda hoped some day we'd have a chance to..." What, exactly, he wondered? Hug things out and laugh about it? Fuck - no way that was ever gonna happen. "Reconcile. Understand. Feel part of it." He sighed and looked Leah in the eyes. "Was never gonna happen either way..."
Leah nodded, then held up a hand. She then reached for the tissues and pulled out a few and promptly sneezed into them. She felt like a sick toddler and it annoyed her. Colds and cold-like illnesses were stupid and pointless and annoying. This shit was why she went into research medicine where things were quantifiable and tangible.
Another sneeze later, she returned and faced Teejay again. "Sorry." She said with a sigh, "with our kind of life, mine, Ari's, Miton's in particular...our lives are not going to be normal, nor will any type of family we may be lucky to some day have. I think that's the first peace people who enter our fray need to make. You can't transpose regular societal pressures onto lives that live anything but in order to protect the first group."
Another sigh then Leah caught his dark eyes. "Miton was always going to come with secrets. So do I. and if you stick with Theta, so will you. There will be things I will not be able to tell you, that you won't be able to tell me. I can live with it because this is the life I chose. Do you think that you can?"
This was a hurdle that would need to be crossed sooner rather than later for any kind of development to occur down the line.
He blinked as Leah sneezed, then with a desire to be close but not covered in snot, shifted his position to sit alongside her rather than directly in front. One arm lazily looped about Leah's shoulders and the other rested on his own thigh, ready to combat any itches the second they rose beyond tolerable. It sucked, but this time would pass, and at least they were in this together, fighting the same fight.
"Don't apologise," Teejay said, his expression enigmatic. "Secrets and I were born twins."
He thought back to his earliest memories, such as they were. To his adopted rescuer family. Then to his real, emotionally distant one. It was a lot to deal with, and the underlying layers of multiple obfuscation and deliberate misleading was a secondary blow his younger incarnation had needed even less than his present one did. But, coming from an unknown past into a childhood that still eluded his present self, he could at least appreciate the emotional and consciously interesting choices others made. To lie, cheat and misdirect in the interest of saving the universe - or at least the parts of it one chose to protect. Points of view were yet another complication to the missing bigger picture or the mindset behind the curtain.
"I can live with it," he finally said, with emphasis and certainty. "Knowing the rules is a big part of it, though. Being aware of the clandestine element in your life, my life, Miton's life, is an easier sell than oblivion in the face of nasty surprises, and living dead relatives. Fair?"
Leah shifted a little to accommodate his arm, and leaned her head gently against his shoulder, one hand was on the folder in her lap, holding the box of tissues, the other ready to dispense said tissues. "I can teach you what you need to know, easily." She said, sounding a little stuffy, as her nose refused to listen.
"You should probably talk to Ari." She ventured then, her voice slightly cracked with the phlegm. "Just my thoughts, you'll do whatever you feel you need to and I will respect your decision. I know her, I've worked with her for a long time. She was just as hit by this as you were and she feels guilty as all hell. Just...talk to her, she may even be able to tell you more about Miton, now that the passions have simmered down."
As Leah moved slightly, Teejay remained the steady rock of a person to move around. He didn't feel steady, but he needed to, and part of the process was the belief that he could be, so he focused on that. Leah, he was eternally grateful, was a sound and reasonable soul in a world that was currently being particularly unkind. As had he been. He was definitely getting back to more normal parameters, but he realised how far he still had to go when a certain name was uttered.
"I don't want to talk to Ari just yet," he admitted openly and with slight shame. "Can I just wallow in being sick and being loved some, first? Get my strength back up?" There was a wan, but genuine smile. "I know she's your friend. I do. But right now she's the person who ended my brother's existence..." She hadn't killed him, he knew that, but there was still processing to do. "And I need to reconcile with that before I can get into any serious conversation with her. It's not something I just pretend didn't happen." He looked to Leah with hope for understanding. "What can she possibly tell me, anyway? She didn't seem to know what was going on..." Those words were spoken, not unkindly, but with the opposing, and mostly uninformed, point of view to that of Leah's friend.
"Oh I didn't necessarily mean now," Leah coughed a little into a tissue as she clarified. "I meant in general, when you are ready. Besides I don't think she's ready either right now. I do know both of you can be stoically stubborn, so someone is going to have to remind you both that talking does help...in the end." Wolf sighed then shifted a little so that she could face him. The topic of Ari and Miton was shelved, for now.
Teejay nodded, silent in his agreement that Leah was right in this regard. The silence and the stubborn. Both fair. And both something he could deal with when he'd had some time to process, when he felt more like himself.
"So...I don't know much about vulcans as people. I mean, I know the anatomy, physiology and the medical aspect, but my vulcan culture is very much Academy level stuff." She said, unsure of how to quite put this proposal forward. "So...why don't we learn together? I mean, if I'm reading this," she motioned between them, "right, then we're going to be getting to know each other on a whole new level going forward. So we may as well learn together as well."
Leah then shrugged, "I mean, just a thought. We haven't even really discussed...this." She motioned between them again before settling back against his shoulder, leaving the ball in his court.
His grin was broader than it should have been, given their mutual health crisis and the state they were both in comfort wise, but it rose up from deep within back from a land where this was a vacation from real life and he had Leah all to himself, no fungus. Her head on his shoulder, her body next to his, their time entirely their own. Maybe, Teejay realised in an ephiphany that went beyond the harsh rules of reality, there was still good to be had in this crazily uncomfortable and unforgiving plague they'd been drawn into. They were still alone. They were still together. And no one else wanted to be anywhere near them. Optimism had been a hardfound friend in this fucked up state of affairs, but it clearly hadn't entirely abandoned him. Real Teejay was still alive and well deep beneath the Shrooms Of Itchy Unsexy Discomfort.
"I'm up for that," he said. "Discovering things together. All the things..." he added, letting that thought slide into a cuddle that didn't care about the pain and sickness. "And us. Secret Agent Science and..." What was he? "Detective Dead Things, bound together by mushrooms," he half-teased. "Are you asking that we DTR?"
Leah laughed without meaning to, "SAS and DDT, I like it!" The laugh grew into a fit of giggles, quickly dissolving into a fit of coughs. A handful of tissues and nose wipes later, she finally managed to catch a breath, and looked over at him, light eyes holding dark. "Buy yeah, I'd like to. I don't have the time nor the need to waste time on figuring things out. I know where I am in the scale of things. I like you, a lot, and I want to see where we can take us. I don't need nor want to shop around. I want to make a purchase. You should know that as part of SFI, I do need to register my relationships if they are getting serious and they will need to vet you in order to be sure you're not a corruptive influence on their agent. All intel officers have to go through this process, it's not you specifically. I understand this can be a deterrent and I'll understand if you don't want to go that far and I won't hold it against you. We can dial this back in that case."
The vetting had been a deterrent to a few of her relationships before, so she carried some scars there. She could totally understand if he didn't want to subject himself to such an invasion. She promised herself she wouldn't blame him if he decided to step back. She was a big girl, she could take it.
It was good to hear Leah laugh, even if the aftermath of noises was far less adorable. Honestly, neither of them were particuarly cute at this particular moment in time though, were they? Snot and a myriad of other bodily reactions, internal defences up... still, that look she gave him had a real weight to it, so, fighting the infection as quietly as was feasible, Teejay held Leah's eye contact and listened to her words. Really listened.
Serious. Certainly sounded serious indeed. The Good Kind, but still, he couldn't help but feel lucky. In the aftermath of his childishness and emotional reactions, Leah had been honest rather than cruel - more so than he probably deserved.
"I like you a lot, too," he said, finally, the rest of it all soaking into his brain. SFI investigation. Not the sexiest speech he'd ever heard, but the words meant a great deal. Leah was serious about him, and Teejay needed to be sure he felt the same before they both went through all the potential grief background checks would dredge up. He considered this, deeply and in contemplative silence, for a minute or two, wanting and needing his response to be fair and truthful.
"I'll make you a deal," Teejay suggested. "SFI drag up something you don't like, tell me and I won't hold it against you. But please believe me when I say I'm neither hiding anything on purpose. There's some stuff from my childhood that I'm not even certain about myself. And you'll have the whole Vulcan intervention thing going with privacy on that score too," he pointed out, then threw his arms up in amused defeat.
"Short version, to use your analogy, is that you're shopping at one of those market stalls where the item is kinda eclectic, in worn condition and has had several previous owners," he said, wry smile accompanying the words.
Leah gave him a soft smile and intertwined her fingers with his, "I'm not worried about what they may or may not find. Intel knows how to handle local customs in these cases, wouldn't be their first roadshow, as it were. As for the vetting itself, I don't have any influence over it, and I wouldn't be told their findings anyway. Other than whether you are clear or whether they want me to step away." She said, "it's been a deterrent to my relationships before...people have stepped away from me because of it before. That was more my concern, not what they may find on you." She said softly, looking down at their intertwined hands.
Ah... well, that made sense, Teejay thought. She's worried I'm going to hightail it at the first sign of an investigation.
"If I was about to run," he told her with a smile that rapidly descended into a frown as he was forced to break their hand-holding in favour of scratching a wandering itch. "I'd have been long gone soon as it all started kicking off back on that station. But," he reached for Leah's hand once more. "maybe it's not obvious? Nothing much scares me on the intel/investigation side of things. Not with regards to my person or my ego. Only thing that would worry me would be the increased risk you'd be undertaking in officially linking yourself to me." Teejay waggled his eyebrows. "Fine catch as I am and all, having someone you care about is a bit of a millstone in your line of work."
Leah shrugged, "yes, but I think you're worth the risk." She wanted to say something else, she started to cough instead and reached for the tissue box. It took a moment for her to re-compose herself. "Anyway," her voice was hoarse when she finally turned back to him. "We good?" The question was punctuated with a grin, though it did little to brighten her dulled pallor and increasingly more matted hair.
"D'awwww, thanks," noted Teejay, his hand a comforting presence at Leah's back as she worked her way through the coughing fit. He waited, forehead crinkling with concern as her croaky voice finally pitched back into their conversation. "Hey, if you can still want me after these last couple days, absolutely we're all good." He confirmed, then gifted her a gentle fist bump of solidarity and planted a kiss on her troubled brow. Then, with enthusiasm, Teejay added with gentle humour in his tone. "Bring on the background checks and many questions! But first - let's get ourselves all healed up, huh? I have some stuff - real good stuff - I'd like to get up to with ya. Y'know, when we're all better..."
"Mmm...I'd like that." She was so tempted to lean in and and get started on that good stuff now. But he was right, when they got cured. Now they had the more pressing task, getting the rest of team some answers.
That being said, as if it knew to do it at that moment, the PADD sounded off an end to the analysis that it had been set to task on.
A sneeze and a grunt later, Leah padded over to the PADD and opened up the results. "Oh, you tricky little bitch. Species dependable mutable vectors. Nicely done..." she muttered to herself as she read out the results to Teejay.
He looked across at Leah, wishing this was over and they were cured already, but expression brightening significantly as the results were confirmed.
"That's a Good Thing," Teejay pointed out, smile catching at the corners of his mouth. "Means it's gonna work." There was no doubt in his tone now. "C'mon, let's go get this sorted. I just wanna get us both back to normal now. Like sooooo badly."
"Oh god yes, I am over feeling like this. I need my shower and my naked snuggles." Her own countenance brightened considerably as she gave Teejay a wink and sent the datapacket to Captain ben-Avram and the ship as well.
RSS Feed