It Comes In Three's

Posted on Sun Mar 26th, 2023 @ 2:58pm by Chief Warrant Officer Arex

676 words; about a 3 minute read

Mission: Season 1 Interlude II (E5.5)
Location: USS Osler, Some Place Classified And Sinister
Timeline: ID-6

“The Farm cures all…how was that?”

“Moderate to severe creepiness Sir.”

Arex frowned and looked down at the data pad held in his solarpendage. He was using powerful positive words. A cheerful tone of voice. He'd even tried smiling too the Seven Lower Hells, which he was told was not something his species was especially good at. Even just looking around his ready room onboard the Osler the surroundings should have gotten him…well something more than ‘severe creepiness’.

“Maybe it's the colour?” Arex ventured, looking to the all behind his desk with an appraising eye. His executive officer, a Betazoid y the name of Kai’bub, quickly scuttled around the office to interpose himself between his commander and the bulkhead.

“Sir, please. We were in spacedock for four weeks whilst the Vulcan interior decorators worked on the ship. It's not the colour-,” (Which was Starfleet grey with a 4% pigment doping of Charwood ash.) “-nor the delivery.”

“You’re sure?” The Edosian frowned, which was a much more comfortable and natural facial expression for the wall tripedal alien. He held up the data padd he’d been reading. “Because this is the seminal work of Starfleet Medicals Psychosurgical Management team. Years of research, meticulous testing, and clandestine trials on Ceti Alpha I. I mean, look at the research team; four Daystrom Prize winners and current fellow at the McCoy-Watt’s Medical Academy! The accreditation alone should make this a simple step-by-step guide on how to make friends and influence large social demographics. This tablet could topple a government in a day!”

“Perhaps using a psychological warfare manual as a style guide was not the most-” Kai’bub began to say before the alert chime saved him from a fate worse than telling his superior he’d made a mistake. Arex stomped around the desk, putting the padd down with more force than was perhaps necessary, and gestured the holographic screen into being. The look on his face did not change as he read the message.

“Huuum…Starfleet Medical have flagged something new coming out of Risa. Some sort of fungal outbreak,” Arex said, settling into the strange saddle-like seat that fit his physiology.

“Plant zombies?” Kai’bub asked, taking the more humanoid proportioned seat on the other side of the desk.

“No, or at least not yet. Seems more of a psychoactive fungal infection, with shared dreams, hallucinations, that sort of thing. Seems to form a sort of network when hosts are in close proximity to one another. In fact most infection clusters seem to fall into either close social events, or…huh,” Arex straightened up. “I think that's the first time I’ve seen the term ‘pan-sexual conjugation vector’.”

“It gets them high and gets them freaky, good way to spread,” Kai’bub said before wincing. “Sorry, Sir, phrasing.”

“You can be forgiven for it. Risa is not exactly known for its prudish nature nor it’s inhibited population, so a mark of respect must be given to the Starfleet Medical team who have spotted this outbreak,” Arex said with a nod. “We’ve been ordered to Risa to investigate under Division 14’s charter. If this infection should get off planet…my many fruitful gods can you imagine?”

“Only in off hours Sir.”

“Oh you make light of this Kai. But someone made light of a small furry creature with three mouths and a genetic predisposition to asexual replication, and now we have planets where you can literally die instantly from a dander allergy. I will not have this fungal disease become the next Tribble!” Arex stood, his solarpedage and left and right arms raised in defiance. “Division 14 is going to Risa to kill the mood!... What?”

“You’re doing it again Sir.”

“The Defining Statement?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Oh dammit,” Arex cursed. He took in a breath, filling all three of his lungs, and then exhaled. “Let us proceed to Risa with all due dispatch to perform our mission.”

“You’ll get there Sir. The same way you got through the Improv Comedy workshop.”

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